CARPE DIEM
it all started
the day i turned 9 years old
i felt
more mature than the rest
more logical even
destined to succeed.
at least that’s what they told me
“study hard
get good grades
don’t make too many friends
don’t invite trouble
focus on your own life”
they said,
i followed
then came
middle school
new faces
friends
opportunities
for better
and for worse
i tried to tune life out
focus on myself,
but it was calling out my name.
it told me
i wasn’t cut out to be
in a world where nothing but myself
mattered
so i let go,
began seeking
the version that other people wanted me to be
chasing these fantasies that only existed in
other realities
but in this chase,
i stumbled
far too many times
i returned
from silent battles
and wept alone
because i wasn’t supposed to
make a sound,
make any trouble
the years slipped by,
years i glaze over now
strangely fond
wishing that i hadn’t gone into those late nights
rushing to finish my assessments
ace another test
everything i thought was so real
just turned out to be
the tip of the iceberg
whose name was
life.
by grade 8,
i had discovered the world of college
sound familiar?
extra-curriculars
essays
applications
deadlines
man
i want to go back.
when was the last time
i was happy
for myself?
for the sole purpose of
living
i can’t recall.
then
high school came,
and with it, a different weight
i could feel myself being squeezed
walls coming in from all sides
suddenly,
i was no longer just a student.
i was a competitor
in a race i didn’t even sign up for.
grades, internships,
clubs, awards,
everyone seemed to be chasing something
while i grasped at straws
to keep up.
i saw my peers
fighting for the spotlight,
pretending to be what they were not,
burning themselves out
for a future that felt so distant,
yet so demanding.
what was i to do?
give up?
fall behind?
that wasn’t me.
so i joined in
i ran with the herd,
forgetting who i was
or what i even wanted.
every assessment,
every task,
felt like a test of my worth,
my place in the world.
and yet,
the more i tried to fit in,
the more i felt
like i was losing myself.
it was as if
i had forgotten
how to simply exist
how to just be
me
but as high school wore on,
something shifted.
i realised
this wasn’t sustainable.
there was more to life
than just surviving it.
i started to look for peace
in the chaos,
in the mess of deadlines,
expectations,
and self-imposed pressure.
i began to understand
that the world didn’t require
me to be perfect,
just to be real.
i found people who saw me,
who didn’t measure me
by my achievements,
but by my heart.
they reminded me
that i didn’t have to be anyone else
to be enough.
and so,
i learned to stop racing
to breathe
to live in the moment
between the tasks,
to find joy
in the journey,
not just to celebrate
at the destination.
high school isn’t a straight path,
and i haven’t followed it
without stumbling
along the way.
but with each misstep,
i learned.
with each failure,
i grew stronger.
i realised that learning;
true learning,
wasn’t just about grades,
or accolades,
or the perfect transcript.
it was about discovering
who i was,
and who i was becoming.
so now,
as i look ahead
to the unknown that lies beyond,
i am not as afraid.
i am ready to embrace
the life that comes next —
a life that is my own,
not measured by anyone else’s standards.
and though i still get caught up
in the rush of it all,
i remember that happiness
doesn’t come from perfection,
but from learning to enjoy
the imperfections
of the journey.
At least once in their lives, everyone has wished to be a child again. Back when life was simple and blissful, free of the many pressures we face daily. As a high school student, I too reminisce of the days when I could spend endless hours reading and daydreaming, living in the moment.
However, those days vanished as time went on; slowly through Middle School, then at a rate that I couldn’t even begin to comprehend in the first year of High School. Our remaining time felt short, and life didn’t feel as simple anymore.
Not only did I feel insecure about myself, striving to establish myself in the social hierarchy, but I also faced constant pressure from my peers, parents, and especially myself to do better. I critiqued and questioned everything I did, to the point where it felt as if I would never be good enough.
I felt overwhelmed and lost, not forging my own path but rather following the herd and doing things just to fit in. I felt like I was constantly comparing myself to others, stuck in a cycle of internal conflict, always searching for perfection but never quite obtaining it. I doubted myself and my abilities, always thought about what others thought of me, and lost the confidence and ability to unapologetically be myself. An ability that I once possessed when I was a child.
This spiral of self-doubt combined with the competitive culture that exists within our student community crushed me. I was constantly told that as an Asian student, I would have to stand out from the crowd, engage in more extracurriculars, write more essays, and “be more like this, be more like that”. I felt that I didn’t get a chance to breathe; I was being pushed beyond my limit.
As horrible as it sounds, this was actually the source of my journey towards self-acceptance and appreciation. I was able to seek solace and support from people close to me who gave me assurance and advice that enabled me to build back my confidence. I learned to accept and understand that any sort of failure in these 4 years of high school, let alone any small test or assessment would not catastrophically ruin the trajectory of my life like I had been brought to think. I accepted that these 4 years were important but also found peace in knowing that I have so much more life to live and so many more opportunities to come.
I discovered the art of living completely in the moment, not being ignorant and putting off the future, but more so enjoying what life has to offer on any given day, and how I can seize the day and make the most of what I have within 24 hours.
I discovered that this way, I could work with a much more optimistic mindset. I learned and studied not for the sole reason of doing well on assessments, but also to expand my knowledge in subjects of interest. I began to start feeling comfortable in my own skin, finding my people, and gaining a rhythm and consistency with my life, allowing me to become happier and healthier both mentally and physically.
From what I have observed, this pressure that I had faced seems to be similar to the pressure that many of my peers are facing too. Those who have set high expectations for themselves along with their parents' wishes for them to attend a top university have created a toxic environment between students. I’ve seen my peers actively putting their peers' achievements down by mentioning an outstanding competition that they participated in, boasting about personal achievement to seem like they are keeping up with the competitive pace of all their peers.
This, in my opinion, tarnishes the purpose of education. It is what leads so many students, including myself, to feel unnecessary pressure and almost lose their motivation and interest in learning. I shall leave you all with some advice, a few sentences that sum up the reason why I was able to come to terms with myself. I hope that one day, you too will be able to find peace in your life.
There is more to learning than grades and achievements. Learning is a never-ending process; you have been learning since the day you were born and will continue to learn until the day you die.
During these 4 years of high school, take your learning seriously, but also think hard about the purpose of your education and reasons for taking it seriously. Is it for better grades and a chance at a good university? Or just for the fun of it and to grow? Maybe it’s a combination of both.
At the end of the day, the most important thing is to understand and accept yourself.
Live in the moment. Seize the day. Carpe Diem.
Cover image source: https://mkurtulmus-eng.medium.com/carpe-diem-seize-the-day-boys-make-your-lives-extraordinary-eb1fdcca4a6
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